Abandon All Weakness Ye Who Enter Here

Bro! You gotta lotta meat on that bro!

What?

Your barbell. You gotta lotta weight on it, bro. 

OK.

One RM?

What?

One Rep Max?

No. I was just going to finish my sets—

What’s your name bro? I seen you coming here for a month now. I see everyone.

Steve.

Bro, I’m Tanner. Welcome to my gym. Not really my gym but… might as well be—spend all my time getting swole inside these walls. I met nearly everyone that works out here… Except the puny crossfitters, know-what-I’m-saying?

Uh-huh.

Bro! Bro! I got one for you! One time a guy came in here… Wore a nice shirt and gel in his hair but I looked past that shit and deep in his soul, bro. And I saw he wasn’t right at all. He was way off… Way-way upside down. Shit, the man was in here rattling shit around! Can I tell you my tale, bro?

I was going to finish my—

Listen Bro, what does it say on the sign?

What?

The sign out front! 

Uhh… Reserved Parking?

What the hell?! On the building. Above the door!

Um…

BRO! SACRED FITNESS!

Ok…

That’s why he was here! When I tell you you’ll get it. When I tell you you’ll get it! Just… Just—hear—me—out. Lend me your ears, bro. Can you do that?

Yeah, but I was going to finish my—

So check this out: It was a day like any other day. Raining outside but I was in here where it’s nice and dry. It was the end of a brutal workout. SAVAGE. The kind I didn’t feel like doing that day but I dragged myself to it anyway. I felt wired at the end of it, kind of crazy actually cause I’d pushed myself that hard. I was just sitting there on the bench, feeling the space buzzing all around me, staring…

As I’m looking in the mirrors, my eyes go to the front of the gym—FOR SOME REASON. I don’t know why but I just look over there. So! Main doors open and in walk slacks, blue shirt, and dark tie. And above the outfit: a dome—real, real tan—with spiked hair. What does that sound like to you?

What?

Come on bro, what do you make of my description?

Uh… The manager?

Good! But no. It sure looks like the gym manager, but I know it ain’t cause I talk to Greg every day, and this tool ain’t Greg. This tool walks through the gym and my eyes follow him like security cameras. Cause something isn’t right (you’ll see). Now, he doesn’t seem to notice me noticing him. He looks straight ahead, not deviating for one second. His eyes look like… like the most important thing that he ever has to do is in front of him. It ain’t right, see? But it’s not just that. They are… hard eyes… moving, swimming with intensity. I’ll never forget that look, bro. Never.

So I’m not moving from my bench, just sitting there, and tense, and I watch him. I feel something big is about to go down. He cuts through the place, not messing around, hell bent.

Then he stops and stares at this older dude who’s about to do a bench press set. The creep stands about ten feet away from the old guy. I forget his name but he joined up a couple of weeks back. He’s still out of shape and weak. He don’t got much weight on the barbell and he tries to do a set, lowers the barbell to his chest, heaves it up… struggling… waits…. Tries again but can only get it halfway down, so he ends the set.

That’s when the spiked-hair weirdo strikes. I see his pale lips pull apart. It comes then, through clenched, yellow teeth: a shrill sound, call it a giggle if you want. It was musical, bro, but not the kind that makes you feel good. It was an evil song, bro, and there was something about it I’ve never heard before… It sounded like laughter, but it was so heavy and painful, and I felt attacked by it, like it was a bat swooping through the gym from wall to wall. I don’t know how else to describe it.

The old man sits up and goes red. He looks around. He fidgets on the bench, trying to look like he knows what he’s doing, trying to keep his back straight and chest sticking out. Old man pretends to inspect the weight on his barbell, like that was his problem, that he’s strong but the equipment is the issue. He scans the mirror back and forth, back and forth, wondering who laughed at him.

I look at the creep in nice pants that started everything, but he’s gone! Vanished into thin air, I’m thinking.

No, he on the move! In the mirror I can see the side of his face. He got a nasty, nasty look, like somebody who crushed a butterfly and liked it.

He goes deeper into the gym and I crane my neck. Where you going dude? To the blonde? No, straight to the guy working out next to her: my boy Tarun! Tarun comes to the gym almost as much as me. ALMOST! But he’s jacked bro. Crazy-eyes stops right next to him, just to his left. Then he leans down and whispers in Tarun’s ear. 

I’m not sure what I’m looking at. I blink. Why he whispering? What’s Tarun thinking? What the hell is going on?

Then I see Tarun’s face go nuts. He got a stupid smile all of a sudden. He meets his own eyes in the mirror and grins, like he thinking: “Ooh, aren’t I impressive? A real specimen of human fitness, a real adonis.” You know what adonis means? Yeah, good. I see it bro, see it in Tarun’s eyes (the windows to the soul, bro!) He drunk on his self!

So Tarun starts flexing and smirking at his reflection. Meanwhile, the creep next to him has his back to me but I catch the side of his face in the mirror, and… shit! I knew some serious shit was going down, bro. This buttoned-down ass is just staring down at Tarun, his eyes haven’t changed a bit—still looking hard and cold—like there’s a fruit fly down on the bench he’d like to crush. But his mouth! It’s twisted and he looks sick to me at first, or like his face is messed up by a seizure, but then I see: no, it’s a grin! He grinning down at Tarun!

I feel helpless, stuck in my bench, as I watch Tarun’s stupid eyes roll over to the blonde. Suddenly he pops up from his bench, shoots out his chest, and walks over to her. She minding her own business, resting between sets, when Tarun sticks a foot up on a rack in front of her, leans an elbow on his knee, and grins at her. He points at her, looking so cocky and stupid, and opens his stupid, stupid mouth. He’s too far for me to hear but I know he’s saying the dumbest shit he’s ever said.

The blonde couldn’t agree more. I watch, feeling like dying, as her face changes. I see it go from surprise, to confusion, shock, and rage.

“No you asshole!” I hear her yell as she gets up and shoves Tarun.

His grin is snuffed out immediately. He staggers from her push but his big, swole ass stays on its feet.

The blonde storms by, red-faced and pissed. Tarun just stands there, not even watching her leave. He got that look—mouth open—like he’s staring into space, or staring inside himself, trying to understand what the hell just happened. I see two guys who had been working out on a bench behind Tarun watching him in disbelief. They probably heard everything and unclear on just what the hell they saw.

I watch the snake go crawling again, slithering through the gym, leaving a sticky slick of hatred in his path, sowing shame and impotence in the people as he drags himself along. And—oh no—he going to the corner! Alice is there, all by herself. No, no, no, not my girl Alice!

I need to go and help her, to get in between them, do something, anything. But bro! (And I ain’t exaggerating, I swear it.) I can’t move! I try to stand up but my body doesn’t respond. I’m paralyzed, bro! What the…

But I got the energy to make my eyes go wide as I watch spiky-hair stop in front of Alice. They’re both far away but it looks like he doing a smile, and it actually looks like a human smile, and they’re talking! No no no!

Bro, I never had a squat rep that was as hard as what happens next. With all my strength I flex and grunt and push up, spitting and growling, and get to my feet, shaking off the black magic that was on my ass. 

Alice and the creep are still talking but I stumble in their direction.

I go past Tarun. He’s still looking lost in thought, still doing some deep soul-searching.

Too slow, I’m moving too slow and Alice is trapped. I have to help her. 

Alice… Alice is great, started coming to the gym a few months before and finally, for the first time in a long time, started feeling good about her health and about life. She told me all about the dark thoughts she used to get and how she wanted to end it… 

I know what the weirdo is gonna to say to her. I just know it.

It doesn’t matter, I’m gonna get there. I can help.

But then the creep is done talking to her. And… he’s moving in my direction! He’s walking right at me! When he passes by our eyes meet. He doesn’t smile or say anything, just hits me with his eyes like I’m nothing, less than a dead houseplant. And bro, have you ever had a sudden moment of clarity?

Uhhh… I don’t—

Then you haven’t. Cause you know it when it happens. As I look straight into those dark, dead eyes, you know what I see?

What?

Nothing good, man! They’re dark… and dead… And I ain’t ever seen eyes like that! Bro, did you ever hear that the eyes are the window to the soul?

Yes.

Yeah well I didn’t see one inside those things. But I felt something coming through the beady, black marbles shoved into his evil, twisted face. It felt like fire, bro, burning, raging up, an inferno of fear and anxiety and a desire that could never be put out. Do you believe me, bro?

What?

Do you believe I saw that shit in his eyes?!

I’m not—

Listen, the man walks past me and I head straight for Alice.

“Yo Alice, what’s happening?” I say.

“That was odd,” she says, frowning.

“Who was that weirdo?” I ask her.

We both turn around but the weirdo is gone. We stare across the gym, wondering how he disappeared so quickly. Did he run out or—?

“Listen, Alice, I think that dude is messed up. I saw him bothering other people. He’s not right, bro. What did he want from you?”

She shakes her head… I can see she doesn’t want to repeat his hateful words. From the far-off look and marks they left on her face, I can guess what he said. Alice looks shocked, confused, but more hurt than anything.

That’s when I change the topic. I ask her about her day. And I listen to Alice. As she’s talking, I’m present, I pay attention, I let her know without saying it that I value her, that I am her friend, that people are good and ultimately want the best for everyone. And you know what, bro? That shit matters! It matters, it makes a difference. You can make or break a person with just a word or a look or how you feel about them! We affect each other, bro, all of us. We have that power and it’s a blessing and a curse. I think it helped, bro. Because I still see Alice at the gym. She’s doing good, she looks happy. 

The creep who turned things upside down that day? I haven’t seen him since the incident. But you know what? Bro, I think he’s here every day. I think he’s everywhere, all the time. Because (and this is my own personal theory, bro) he lives inside us. You and me and everyone else. Know-what-I’m-saying? That’s my own personal philosophy, bro. So stay vigilant my friend.

Anyway, it was good to meet you. I just wanted to officially welcome you to our gym. Have fun. You’ll be seeing me around a lot. Oh yeah, if you need a towel, there’s a cabinet outside the aerobics room. They forget to let the new people know about it for some reason. Good luck, bro. Stay vigilant my friend. Good luck.